I am finishing up putting the music I took off Courtney's iTunes last weekend. I forgot what memories The Postal Service brought back. It's amazing that after... 5 years? I still can remember everything about Jon. J and I used to listen to The Postal Service during.... some intimate moments... I guess you could call it.
I remember how blue his eyes were, and the way he would look at me when he told me he loved me. He was my first love, perhaps the only love I've ever really had. I was 18, so young, so dumb, and so incredibly stubborn with him. J was, and to my knowledge still is, bipolar. Not in that "oh my god are you bipolar? hahahaha" way, but in the actual manic for days, depressed for months way.
We first met when I was 17. My mom had just moved to Dulles, VA and I knew inevitably I would also have to move, so I went in search of friends on myspace. (yeah... remember myspace? wow) I found Jon and we seemingly hit it off pretty well, but when we met on a visit I took to Virginia, things didn't really go that well. He didn't seem interested in me at all, and that really hurt. Since I was not living there yet, he decided to go ahead and date a girl who was local, which looking back on it... made perfect sense.
I finally moved to NOVA (Northern VA) the summer before my 18th birthday. I wasn't exactly excited about moving 1600 miles from all of my friends, and my home, but I adjusted. I met a Marine, named R, that I enjoyed spending time with. That being said, neither of us really wanted to get involved seriously because of the risk of him going to Iraq. It was upsetting, but I just couldn't allow myself to get attached. Soon after R went home for Christmas leave, J and I started talking again. Things were different and I agreed to hang out with him and go out to dinner with him. Mind you, R and I were never in a proclaimed relationship, so no... I never felt like I was cheating on him... at least not at that particular time. Looking back on it, that's exactly what I did... and it took a while for me to forgive myself for that.
J and I went out to dinner and soon after found that we truly had feeling for each other. I let R know, and I moved on with little thought to R. Looking back, it was probably the rudest thing I ever did, but I just didn't see staying with someone who refused to let me in and passing up the chance for someone who I could potentially share my life with. That was it... by New Years I knew I had fallen in love, and so did he.
He later told me that he did really like me on our first date, the year before, but that he chose the girl who was local, because she was local. If I had lived there, it would have been no contest. He said he didn't think that I would ever actually move there, and he didn't think he would have been able to stand living that far from me.
So now, everytime I hear the lead singer of The Postal Service sing... my mind floats back to 5 years ago. A time when I was seemingly at my happiest, until I just wasn't anymore. J is the only man I've ever let in completely. I would like to think he won't be the only one, but I can't be sure. Not now. He knew my every move before I made it. The crook of his arm seemed to be made for me to fit into it. I've yet to find that again, but maybe I should be more optimistic.
Well, we have 51 weeks left, and 348 days. It will go by pretty fast, I'm afraid.
No comments:
Post a Comment